To those Saker commentators who detected “anger” in my sitreps, I can only say that you, Ladies and Gents, sound like my psychiatrist: “Scott, what are we going to do with your anger?” One day, I will tell you the story of how we met. Since he comes from one of those countries “civilized” and “liberated” by the West, I explained it to him in no uncertain terms, and he understood. Anger is a reaction to banality, somewhat similar to impatience. My patience is nearly infinite. I’ve never tried vodka, never had a feat of road rage, and never watched a Star Wars movie. What you call “anger” is a relatively forgotten after the WWII in the Western world phenomenon that’s called “battlefront psychosis,” and in Russian military history known as a “noble wrath.” Granted, I am just a Russian foot soldier at the World information war.
1. Only after the CIA and Pentagon military intelligence have finely confirmed Ukraine being clear of the Russian army, the American military instructors ventured to come to the NATO military base Yarov near Lvov.
2. The United States Ambassador in Ukraine called the Governor of Dnepropetrovsk region for a “serious talk.” In response, the Ambassador of Ukraine in the US called the Governor of Texas to help him to sort out the state’s problems.
3. Well done, Ukrainians! A job truly well done: came out on Maidan, pushed one ass off the golden toilet, and immediately replaced it with another hairy ass, knocked down hundreds of Lenin monuments, gave some very creative nicknames to Putin, fucking lost Crimea and Donbass, took on a mountain of debt, enslaved their grandchildren, lost their free trade zone with Russia, repainted all of their outhouses and toilets in yellow-and-powder blue and…….and came home with great satisfaction. If you don’t understand their sophisticated maneuvers, it means you’re a Russian “vatnick” [quilted jacket].
4. Ukrainian scientists invented a radar that accurately determines aircrafts of foreign nations. The principle is simple: all aircrafts appearing on the radar screen are the aircrafts of foreign nations, since Ukraine doesn’t build its own any longer.
5. Kiev, Rada: Huge debates on what term to use in regards to Crimea and Donbass: annexed or occupied. A voice comes from the back of the room: “Use “fucking lost.”
6. Ukrainian ultra-nationalists, and Russia’s liberals are in shock: Putin’s army has finally entered,…but not them!
7. Since the first strikes of the Russia’s airspace forces against ISIS in Syria, Ukrainian military is in shock: they have finally realized that they indeed were disseminated by Donbass miners and tractor operators.
8. In the Russian and Ukrainian languages GDP is being abbreviated as VVP (ВВП), which is also the abbreviation of Putin’s first, middle and last names, Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin. In the Ukrainian government they think that VVP is indeed Putin, and do everything to bring their GDP to zero.
9. Q.: Sherlock Holmes, what’s your opinion about the fact that last year the Russian ruble had become twice cheaper, and the Ukrainian hrivna had become four times cheaper?
A.: Elementary, Watson: this fact means that Western Europe’s help is four times deadlier for an economy than European sanctions.
10. Ukrainian Parliament cession: Lyashko, an ultra-nationalist wants to speak. The speaker of Rada, Grossman, enquirers about the subject of his speech.
Lyashko: I want to say something about Zhidi! (Ukrainian slur for Jews)
– No, you can’t. The Free World has intolerance to this kind of speech.
– In that case, I want to say something about them damn Moskalis!
– Not today. We’re in the middle of a Free Trade Agreement negotiation with Russia.
– In this case, permit me, Pan Speaker, to say a couple of words about the climate change.
– Yes, of course. It’s good. You can speak about this.
– Mindless industrial development and use of fossil fuel resulted in the global warming that we are witnessing today: Ukrainian rivers are all dried up, Ukraine is completely deforested. Where we are supposed to drown Zhidis and to hang Moskalis?
11. Members of the Kiev junta: a Georgian, Saakashvili, and an Armenian, born in Azerbaijan, Avakov, argue in pure Russian language about which one of them is a true Ukrainian.
12. How far can Ukrainians go in terms of technology? It depends…
13. Once upon a time in Kiev: the ambassadors of the U.S.A., France, Spain, Germany, and Denmark gathered with the U.S. assistant Secretary of State Nuland, the American senators Chris Murphy and John McCain; German foreign Minister Guido Westerwelle; a representative of the European Union for foreign Affairs and security policy Catherine Ashton; ex-President of Georgia Mikhail Saakashvili; Minister of foreign Affairs of the Netherlands Frans Timmermans; a Polish politician and Member of the European Parliament for the Lower Silesian Voivodship & Opole Voivodship Jacek Protasiewicz; a Minister of foreign Affairs of Lithuania Linas Linkevičius; the speaker of the Lithuanian Seimas Loreta Hrauzhinene; former Prime Minister of Poland Jaroslaw Kaczynski; Czech Senator Jaromir Stetina, and.. accused Russia of interfering in Ukraine’s internal affairs!
14. Ukraine’s heroes don’t die; they’re just being dubbed deserters.
15. An old Bendera follower is dying, surrounded by his family of Ukro- fascists. Everyone wants to hear his last will:
“Boys,” he says. “Take a very good care of Putin.”
“Why,” his perplexed family members ask.
“Because, hate of Putin is the only thing that holds Ukraine together.’
16. Ukraine is like the Vatican, if you see black smoke over Maidan, expect a new pope.
17. For me, a lot of things fell into place when I heard the words of one Kiev freshman:
— The myth of the causality was invented by the Communists, to keep Ukrainians enslaved.
18. Have you heard about the Dead Sea? Putin killed it.
19. If an unidentified or suspicious object is found on a subway train, DO NOT TOUCH IT… It’s me, sleeping..
20. Pro-Washington liberals in Russia know that Khodorkovsky is a thief, con-artist and a murderer, but forgive him everything for biting the Tyrant. *
*[In the Russian blogosphere, President Putin has been lovingly called “our Tyrant”, “our the Darkest, Темнейший,” but also “our Lightest. Светлейший.”]
21. Twitter profile: Rock-climber, scuba diving instructor, champion of Ukraine in deepwater photography, yachtsman. Simply a good guy. Sell arms.
2050: The President of Russia Vladimir Putin has held talks with the Emir of Germany, Hussein al Gabani, and the Crown Prince of France, Mullah Nasrallah.
Yes, 2015 wasn’t simple. And 2016 will not be simple. But 2017 is already promising to be simple.
I mean 2017 is a prime number.
Someone just tweeted; If hypocrisy was a fuel source, American would be set for life.