A warning from Scott: Prior to writing for thesaker, I collected antiques and art. Since I started writing, I gave up my family, my job, my business, sleeping, showering, and other bad habits. Hell, I even stopped shaving my beard. Being a compulsive collector, now I only collect Russian jokes and anecdotes. First, they are free. Second, they are more effective than booze and drugs combined.
You have been warned.
1. A Short History of the Dutch MH17 report
Here the Dutch have released a report on Boeing. Only a year and a half had passed, and here they were already with the report. They even built a mock-up of the Boeing, life-size, which, apparently, took up the bulk of their time.
Initially, the Ukrainian half of the Dutch investigation team insisted on just planting in the dummy Boeing the following items: a Russian hand grenade f1, a helmet with emblem of the DPR (Donetsk People’s Republic), a balalaika and a portrait of Putin, after which the entire press conference could sing together “It’s not dead yet..” (the national anthem of Ukraine) and go back home. But experts said “no” to this. Even the Swedes wouldn’t believe it.
To get the Swedes involved anyway, somebody thought out a plan to announce that the plane was shot down by a ballistic missile R-29RMU / RSM-54 Sineva “Blue” launched by a Russian nuclear submarine in the territorial waters of Sweden. But the experts opened up Google, found a photo of the device, assessed its size and performance characteristics, whistled, crossed themselves twice, and said, “No f..k. This dream just might come true!”
At this moment, thankfully, the phone rang and people from “Almaz-Antey” said that since the Dutch experts for mysterious reasons were unable to come to Russia for over a year, “Almaz-Antey” was ready to demonstrate the work of the warhead missiles 9М38 directly during the presentation of the report,. People from “Almaz-Antey” just called to make sure that the presentation of the report will be held at: Amsterdam, 52.3733482 North latitude and 4.8988619 East longitude. They also recommended to have a supply of helmets, body armor and to wait for the Russians in good spirit!
Despite of their natural Nordic velocity, the Dutch immediately realized that they couldn’t put it off any longer and issued a report, from which it became clear that someone, somewhere, maybe, had launched a rocket, allegedly made maybe in Russia, and that the Ukraine definitely should not allow flights in that area!
The European law firms immediately reached for the references on the subject of Ukraine’s liability, and other money making torts to bring the lawsuits onto Ukraine.
The President of Ukraine, having been surprised by the Papist and Jesuit resourcefulness of these tulip breeders, immediately got into a fighter jet su-27, to project on them the power of the Ukraine’s Luftwaffe. But the jet couldn’t take off due to the lack of fuel that have already been sold by dodgy Benya Kolomoysky to himself through a complex chain of intermediaries.
“I will not surrender without a fight,” said Poroshenko, and he fought with a bottle of Crimean Portwine till the last drop.
2. The Islamic state has presented to the military attaché of Russia a Note of Protest with the demands to stop aggression against the young sovereign state.
– The meeting was held in a very warm atmosphere! – briefly commented on the meeting the officer, getting out of the TOS-1A “Sunheat”.
3. Last time someone lived on this planet for a year without a war was in 2925 BC.
4. Former Ukraine’s Minister of Justice and an active head of the death squad “Azov” Roman Zvarych got in an accident on the highway Kyiv–Chop. As it was reported by the TV channel “112 Ukraine”: “His car collided with a truck.”
But, according to the press service of “Azov,” the accident happened because several cars and trees tried to run Zvarich’s vehicle off the road. Those several cars fled the scene after the collision. Zvarich’s car caught fire, and a truck got flipped over. He walked away from this fiery crash unscathed. Because of the guardian angel of drunken Nazis.
5. The German MSM report an alarming increase in the number of attacks on refugees. Two third of the attacks were conducted by people without any previous criminal records. For God’s sake! Give the people of Germany some more criminal records, so they would be better equipped in handling this refugee crises.
6. The Defense Ministers of Russia and Israel plan to hold the joint training of the Russian Federation and the Israeli air forces.
The training program includes:
1. Emergency landing of Israeli aircrafts on bases and airfields in an event they see the aircrafts of the Russian federation on the horizon.
2. Immediate ejection of the pilots of the Israeli F-15 in the event of failure of the system identification “friend or foe” when flying within range of the S-300F Fort sea basing.
3. A short course of the Russian language by memorizing phrases: “Don’t shoot! We are not terrorists. We are the pilots of the Israeli air force!” and “What are you guys doing? My woman is from Saratov!,” in case of successful ejection in the area of deployment of Russian military bases.
The United States military resolutely refused from concerting with this program stating: “Not to worry. American women will give birth to many more American pilots!”
“Glory to America!”
6. Meanwhile, Ramzan Kadyrow and a freed sailor from the oil tanker “Mechanic Chebotarev” were taking a stroll through the beautiful hotel “Grozny-City.” After Ramzan Achmatowicz thanked his very important guests, Libyan prime Minister and a minister of Defense of Libya, for their assistance in liberating the crew of the Russian ship kidnapped arrested by the Libyan authorities on September 17th, 2015. As always, Kadyrow was cracking jokes in his most nonchalant manner.
His foreign guests, however, looked tense. Maybe they were jetlagged. Anything can happen if you went to bed in your native Libya, and woke up in the “Grozny-City” hotel to the loud beat of a song “Why have you became so daring?” and you don’t understand a thing.
Then your mobile phone rings, and your Libyan relatives in a whisper report to you that your house was taken over by some armed people that don’t look local. They don’t let anyone in, and, by the way, your loyal guards fled.
To sum it up, it’s all a matter of high politics. For us the most important – to get our guys back home.
7. Questions for Armenian Radio:
Q. Why are anecdotes about Poroshenko so funny, and anecdotes about Putin so dull?
A: Because the anecdotes about Putin are being translated from English.
8. I sat down to read a Ukrainian history textbook and ended up crying uncontrollably: “You will pay for all those dinosaurs, damn Moskals!”
9. After many false starts, Ukraine finally opened its first phone-sex service in the Ukrainian language with a mixed success. Zrada (treason): The first client died from laughter. Peremoga (victory) It was a Moskal.
10. For thirty-two minutes slowly turning in the air, flew the grenade thrown by a member of the Estonian riot police in the framework of the training program for Ukrainian servicemen. Another five minutes took the grenade to blow up glacially.
Meanwhile. the members of the armed forces of Ukraine managed to steal the Estonian Hummer, to take it to a nearby village, and to exchange it for horilka and salo (pickled lard), to sit down, finish everything up and go to sleep, side by side in the trenches.
The next morning, Estonians were ashamed, Ukrainians nursed painful hangovers, but in comparison with a Danish lion autopsy in front of the kindergarteners, it all was child’s play.
11. Next elections in Ukraine the voters will cast candidates instead of ballots.
12. – I watched yesterday “Planet of Apes: Revolution“.
– How did you like it?
– Nothing spectacular. Just a tuned down compilation of the nightly Ukrainian news.
13. – I need more antidepressants.
– Do you have a prescription?
– What? A Ukrainian passport is not enough?
14. A banderivets (a Bandera follower) comes home from Maidan He sees a working electric bulb at the entrance to his apartment building. He had forgotten the last time he saw a working electric bulb. A terrible feeling of an impending doom comes upon him.
An elevator was out of order since he was a teenager and Ukraine gained independence. He pressed the button and the elevator door opened.
“Something is wrong.” a banderivets thinks. “It’s a trap. This is not going to end well.”
He walks inside of his apartment and sees his wife cooking something on a gas stove. Electrics and gas are working!. The banderivits panics. He rushes to the bathroom and turns on the water faucets. His worst feelings confirmed, cold and hot water are both running.
The banderivets’ short skinny legs give up and he slides down the bathroom wall, whispering, ” That’s it. I knew that. We are occupied by the Moskals.”
15. The Ukraine national poll revealed that 50% of Ukrainians would kill Poroshenko with pleasure; 30% of Ukrainians would kill Poroshenko without pleasure, and 20% weren’t sure what feeling they would get when they kill Poroshenko.
16. In January 2014, the new Kiev authorities issued an official statement that the Russian Black Sea Fleet should not be located on the territory of Ukraine any longer.
The Russian authorities promised that after March 16th, 2014 the Black Sea Fleet won’t be located on the Ukrainian territory.
16. If Ukraine is not dead yet, why it stinks?
17. I was drinking with a bunch of Russians last night. The whole night they were telling anecdotes about Russia and laughed. The whole night they were telling me that Russia is a country of bad roads and fools. After I finally agreed with them in the morning, they kicked my ass.
18. Ukrainian scientists have proved that the only person in the world, who is not a Putin’s agent is Putin himself.
19. In 90s Russia asked for food from the US. In 2015 Russia destroys food from the US. It’s all you have to know about the Yeltsin’s “democracy,” and Putin’s “regime.”
20. – Tell me, please, is it true that in Russia people walk bears on the streets?
– No, that’s not true. Those are not bears, they are the Russian hamsters.
21. April 5th, 1242, the Battle on the Ice of Lake Chudskoye (Peipus). Russia refused to become a part of the EU.
22. It’s easy to become a Kremlin’s Agent. You just have to start speaking the truth.
23. Putin – the new measurement unit of politicians.
24. Stop this hysteria, Putin has never sent the Russian troops to Crimea. Russian troops to Crimea were sent by Alexander Suvorov in 1778, and they have never left since then.
25. If you need something to be done, ask the Chinese.
If you need something impossible to be done, ask the Russians.
26. Ramzan Kadyrow to Putin: “If you want, I will kill all your noisy neighbors.”
27. In 2000, a young man Mikhail Tolstyh was rejected from the military contract services because he had a speech impediment. 14 years later he became Givi and proved that the military is not about talking.
28. Marina Solovieva: Imagine if you were given a choice between saving two million people from the devastation of war and death, and French cheese, and you would choose cheese. It’s all you have to know about the liberals in Russia.
29. Philip Maslovski:
The Russians: Let’s all live in peace.
The US General: We should kill all the Russians;
Czech MP: The Russians should be burned;
The Western MSM: The Russians spread hatred.
30. Ukraine is the only country in the world that has a cult of personality of the president of a foreign country.
31. If you feel that your parents own you something, you are a teenager. If you feel that Russia owns you something, you are an opposition. If you feel that the whole world owns you something, you are a Ukrainian.
32. A Ukrainian writer and poet Oles Buzina, killed by the Kiev Junta’s secret police, knew how to troll:
Q. What do you think about Novorossia. Is this a Kremlin’ project?
A. No. Novorossia has been a project of the Catherine the Great and Prince Potemkin.
33. “The whole world owns it to Ukraine” says Ukraine.
34. Short history of Ukraine – 2014. Idiots toppled their government, and elected morons, who took huge credits, which idiots will have to pay back. And it’s all Russia’s fault.
35. After massive forests fires around Chernobyl in 2015, the Ukrainians measured level of radiation in Kiev and declared themselves a nuclear state.
36. Ukrainians to Russians: We will never be brothers.
Russians to Ukrainians: OK, fine, we got it.
Ukrainians to Russians: Now, you have to restructure our debt to you.
Ukrainians: Damn Moskals. And you call yourselves our brothers!
37. Casino “Europe”: Greece meets Ukraine at the entrance.
– Where are you going?
– To “Europe” I want to gamble.
– I have already done gambling.
– How was it?
– Don’t you see? I lost everything, but my panties.
– Wow. I always wanted to wear this kind of panties.
38. Ukraine announced about creation of dry-land fleet. Next, they will start building an underground aviation.
39. I don’t understand why the Ukrainian patriotism are being violated by the Russian food, media, books, monuments, TV channels. But when it comes to the Russian gas, their patriotic sentiments are being violated only by its price?
40. Poroshenko said, that the unique quality of the Ukrainian nation is that after each color revolution life in Ukraine becoming worse and worse, but that doesn’t stop the Ukrainians.
41. Name two “states,” where they destroy monuments, execute captured civilians and soldiers, and still get aid from the US. (Ukraine, ISIS)
42. Do you know why the Ukrainians rushed to destroy all the monuments to Lenin? Because they were told by the US that under one of the statute there was a vortex, a visa free entrance to Europe.
43. An opposition representative in Belarus said that he has not voted for 20 years. On October 11, 2015 he went and voted for Lukashenko, because he has seen the results of Euro-integration of Ukraine.
44. Ukraine asks Russia to give 2bln USD to continue the war with the neighboring country.
45. Meanwhile in Israel:
– What’s going on in the Ukraine?
– The Ukraine is in war with Russia.
– No f..k! How is it going?
– Well, the Ukraine lost two million civilians, Crimean peninsula, several fighter jets, helicopters, thousands of military, hundreds of tanks, and artillery, and two provinces of about 7.5 million people are ready to re-unite with Russia.
– What about the Russians?
– You wouldn’t believe this, Bennie, but they never showed up for this war.
46. Rabbi from Mukachevo died and went to see his Creator.
– Where were you born? – asks God.
– In Astro-Hungary, said Rabbi.
– Where did you go to heder (school)?
– In Czechoslovakia.
– Where did you get married?
– In Hungary.
– Where your first child was born?
– In the Third Reich
– Where were your grandkids born?
– In the USSR.
– And, where did you die?
– In Ukraine.
– My good Rabbi, – said God – You traveled a lot during your lifetime.
– Not at all, Rabbi responded. I never left my town.
47. Several OSCE cars were burned down in Donetsk on August 9th, 2015. Whose fault was it?
Nicolai Starikov said that since Donetsk people bombed themselves, it means that the OSCE cars were burned by OSCE itself.
48. Burning down vehicles of the OSCE was a terrible crime against blind and deaf people.
49. “Who cometh to us with a sward… I swear to God, he is an idiot.” Attributed to Lavrov.
50. Field Marshal Bernard Law Montgomery: Rule 1, on page 1 of the book of war, is: “Do not march on Moscow”.
51. In fall 1938 Hitler grabbed a part of the territory of Czechoslovakia. In fall of 1938 Poland grabbed a part of territory of Czechoslovakia. Hitler was called an aggressor, but what was Poland?
52. Nikolay Starikov: “Today October 9, 2015 is 255 anniversary of the Russian troops taking Berlin for the first time. In 1813 we took Berlin for the second time. In 1945 we took Berlin in the third time. Europe, enough already with wars on us.”
53. In Russia liberal grant-eaters scream that in Syria Russia bombs the innocent US money.
54. Sergey Shoygu to Putin: “Somebody from ISIS called and asked what kind of religion is the faith in Putin, and how one can convert into it.”
55. Breaking news: Senior US official tell that the Russian officials demand the US warplanes exit Syria immediately.
56. “I don’t understand Russia. Do you even understand what you’re doing? How could you bomb weapon depots in Syria, when all these weapon could be given to the poor refugees in Europe?”
57. “Our task is to destroy terrorists faster than they are being trained by the US.” V. Putin