Here are some examples, organized into several categories, with appropriate footnotes being given either next to joke/picture, or in the end of the post (*Russophobes can skip to the last section – on Putin and Russia – and spare me the inane cries of “This joke is exaggerated”).Feel free to share your own finds, as well!
——————————————————I) DOUBLE STANDARDS
[Refers to liberation of Bulgaria from Turkish yoke circa 1887]1. – Defendant Ivanov, what was your motivation for attacking your neighbor and taking his money?
– Your honor, but don’t Americans do the same?!
[excuse given for every Russian government action ever]2. Currently Saudi Arabia is bombing Yemeni rebels, which have taken power after a parliamentary struggle turned violent. Formally, the bombing campaign is carried out at the request of the former president Abd Rabbuh Mansur Hadi.
Yanukovich from Rostov asks – “Wait, UN, I coulda done that too?”
3. USA ambassador to Ukraine had a private meeting with Dnepropetrovsk governor, which caused the latter to give in to Poroshenko’s demands and resign. Somehow this isn’t as surprising as, say, Ukrainian ambassador ordering the governor of Texas to resign.
5. Americans love their country and hate those that don’t agree with them.
Russians don’t like their country and hate those that agree with them.
6. USA: “To promote democracy and human rights, we will commit any and all violations of democracy and human rights deemed necessary”.
7. [Joke from the times of Maidan Revolution]
Ambassadors of USA, France, Spain, Germany, Denmark; US Assistant Secretary of State Nuland, two US senators – McCain and Chris Murphy, German foreign minister Westerwelle, EU High Representative of the Union for Foreign Affairs and Security Policy Catherine Ashton, fugitive Georgian president Saakashvili, Dutch foreign minister Frans Timmermans, EU parliament representatives, Lithuianian foreign minister Linas Linkevicius, Lithuanian parliament speaker Loreta Graužinienė, former Polish PM Jarosław Kaczyński, US Vice President Joe Biden, CIA Director John Brennan, etc. etc., all came to the Maidan protesters’ camp in the center of Ukrainian capital to accuse Putin in Moscow of meddling in internal Ukrainian affairs!
8. If during the massacre in Paris the gunmen screamed “Glory to Ukraine” instead of “Allahu Akbar”, the incident would probably go unreported.
[The videotaped killings of unarmed protesters in Korsun’, Odessa, Kharkov, Mariupol, Krasnoarmeisk by nationalist paramilitaries saw little coverage in the West
1. When nationalist ATO veterans meet, [Instead of “How many tours you served?”, or “Which front were you at?”] they ask each other “Which encirclements you’ve been to?”
2. UAF General Staff has been renamed “Encirclement Supervisory Center”.
3. Government losses are often explained by inexperienced officers not understanding the real situation. This is obviously not true – after all, every time UAF troops are caught in an encirclement, it turns out the officers foresaw it and already fled .
[pic – see THIS on ten-fold underreporting of losses, and THIS on Klitchko Goldentongue]
5. Summary of Poroshenko’s speech on the outcome of Debaltsevo encirclement: “We have bravely advanced to the rear, and the demoralized enemy followed us in panic”.
[see second half of this]
6. Some journalists are interviewing a UAF soldier at a checkpoint. Soldier sits, tightly clutching a rifle to his chest:
Journalist – So what can you tell us?
Soldier – (silence)
Journalist – How are the living conditions?
Soldier – ….
Journalist – Okay, what is your mission?
Soldier – Wha..?
Journalist – What did the sergeant tell you when he put you here?
Soldier – “Don’t lose the f**king rifle, retard!”
[e.g. this video of plastered government conscripts trying to fire a mortar and very nearly killing themselves several times]
HISTORY / JOKES FROM BEFORE 2013
– Why do you hate Yushchenko?
– He’s controlled by America!
– Why do you hate America?
– They’re controlling Yushchenko!
*[Now, again, USA is seen as largely controlling Ukraine – half of the Cabinet are foreign colonial managers that had to be granted Ukrainian citizenship by order of president and US ambassador/Joe Biden/various CIA/US Army officials are constantly involved in “advising” the new government and resolving internal disputes.
A popular Russian saying is “We’re responsible for those we adopt” – and just like in 2009, populace isn’t looking too kindly upon the ruin new management brought them.]
2. Socialism vs Transition to Capitalism
Socialism: Give the hungry men fish
Transition to capitalism as it’s portrayed: Teach the hungry men to fish
Transition to capitalism as it is: Put the hungry men into 30 years of debt for teaching them to fish, while hiding the fact that they will never be able to afford the fishing licenses and access to the lake, both of which you now control
3. Sadly, everything Soviets told us about communism turned out to be a lie. Even worse, everything they said about capitalism turned out to be the truth!
4. On politics, corruption, and USA (also a 2005 joke after Maidan #1)
When flying a plane, you notice the pilot taking a swig of vodka from a flask. What does your reaction tell about you:
A. You do nothing. You will probably land safely, and you are a realist.
B. You find a sober pilot among the passengers and place him in charge. You are hugely increasing risks for everyone because sober plit also probably has much less experience with the specific plane, has to assume control mid-flight, etc. You are an idealist.
C. You put a the matter up to a vote, then put the most popular person in the cockpit. You will probably die a flaming death at the hands of a political science major, and you are a liberal.
D. You pick the first person wearing Stars-and-stripes pin and quell dissent with disproportionate armed force. Once the plane crashes, you repeat with another plane. You are a US State Department official.
1. A Ukranian nationalist is going home from work and notices the streetlights are repaired and working… Decides to try the elevator – it WORKS! Goes into his house – the CENTRAL HEATING IS ON! The wife is cooking dinner on a GAS STOVE! Runs into the bathroom – there is WATER, both COLD AND HOT!
Shocked, he slides down the wall: “Oh my god, the Muskovite occupiers are back…”
2. A bunch of Ukrainian skinheads with baseball bats jump onto a bus and start strolling back to front, closely inspecting everyone. A black African student sinks into his seat, terrified.
Skinheads – Relax, dude. We can clearly see you’re not a Muskovite (Russian).
3. Two guys in leather jackets with shaved heads go into a home improvement store in Kiev.
Guys > We need thirty 2-foot pieces of rebar.
Clerk >> What are you gonna build with that?!
Guys> Ukraine without Muskovites !
4. Ukrainian political coverage could really benefit from a movie titled “50 Shades of Brown”. For those that want to understand the difference between, for example, Tyagnibok, Bileckiy, Lyashko and Yarosh.
*[“Brown” traditionally refers to colors of fascism and far-right, re: Hitlers Brownshirts.
“50 Shades of Brown” is, on one hand, a reference to the fact Ukraine’s political space is currently occupied by various flavors of right-wing nationalist parties, that are mostly divided by which oligarch they are representing, rather than any meaningful ideological divisions; there are no major left-wing or multicultural political movements.
On the other hand, “shades of brown” refers to different kinds of excrement, obviously.]
5. Nationalist paramilitary battalion from L’viv is suddenly mobilized at night, and loaded up into trucks. Captain explains the mission:
– We are to eliminate separatists terrorists and mercenaries. If you see a man in a mask or with a weapon – shoot him, then chop off the head and bag it. Each head – 5000 UAH.
Eventually the trucks stop and paramilitaries instantly disperse around the night city shouting “Glory to Ukraine!”. The captain tries to stop them screaming:
“Idiots, halt! That’s just a fuel stop in Kiev!!”
6. Nationalists, if all you wanted was to abolish education scholarships, ax state assistance for the disabled, mothers, and elderly, triple utility costs, increase taxes and the age of retirement, lower the value of national currency four-fold, destroy free healthcare and education systems – why didn’t you just ask Yanukovich to do all that, and avoid the bloodshed?!
UKRAINIAN POLITICS AND ECONOMY
1. Since the start of the conflict, Russia’s currency fell two-fold, while Ukrainian currency fell four-fold. Therefore, we can conclude that Western help and reforms do approximately twice the damage of Western sanctions.
2. Kiev. A guy is stuck in traffic, as usual. Suddenly there’s a knock on the window, some government official in a suit.
– What do you want? = You see, terrorists just took the Cabinet of Ministers hostage, and are threatening to douse them all in gasoline and light them on fire if we don’t give them a million dollars in the next hour. There is obviously no way to get it through legislature this quickly, so we decided to do a collection among the drivers here.
– So how much did others give already?
= So far, about twenty gallons and a dozen lighters.
[Follows abortive attempt by Poroshenko to wave around passports of “Russian soldiers” – he was apparently unaware that active-duty soldiers are required to turn in passports to the HQ, and use military IDs instead]4. A friend from Tbilisi called. Says he’s afraid to step out of the house. Georgians are being grabbed right off the street and sent to run Ukrainian government.
[Poroshenko’s government includes many Georgians from Saakashvili’s old team, as well as Saakashvili himself. He was, basically, another colonial manager installed in Georgia by an engineered coup (Rose revolution). Hilariously, Saakashvili and some of his men are already wanted in Georgia for corruption, torture, etc.]5. Nadezhda Savchenko, by simply sitting in her cell, has become Ukraine Congresswoman, EU Congresswoman, was awarded the title of Hero of Ukraine.
… So far, the best way to jumpstart a political career in Ukraine is to be jailed for war crimes.
6. Rada (Ukrainian Parliament) has officially declared that Russia is an aggressor. What does this mean? Before they would beg “Muskovites” for gas and coal discounts, and now they will beg “damned Muskovites”.
7. Poroshenko’s government has come up with a foolproof roadmap to democracy: simply exterminate every last non-democrat.
1. (classic) A guy is going through an Ukrainian customs.
Guy>> No, just visiting :D
2. – Why is Russian government cutting retirement benefits?
– Because they’re freaking tired of having to share the oil revenues with some moochers who happen to be living in the country.
3. Putin complains to a doctor:
– Doc, for some reason I can’t do a #2 in the bathroom!
Doc inspects him:
– Oh wow, you don’t have a hole there!
– All the damn *ss-kissers must’ve licked it shut!!!
4. It is rumored the Russian secret services have wiretapped Klitschko’s phones solely for the amusement value .
5. Nobody said struggle will be easy! They are fighting for their power to rob the country blind and embezzle uncontrollably! And it will not be easy to make Putin’s thieving bunch hand over this power to us!
© Opposition leader Kasparov
6. Tatar National Assembly demanded changes to the popular Russian folk saying “Uninvited guest is worse than a Tatar”, saying it is biased against their ethnicity. Therefore, yesterday the Russian Federation Duma voted to change the saying to “Uninvited guest is _better_ than a Tatar”.
7. A new teacher comes to class and says:Hello kids, I am your new teacher. My name is Zakhar Goldman, and I am a liberal. Now I want you to get up and introduce yourselves like I did just now.
Masha – My name is Masha and I’m a liberal.
Kirill – My name is Kirill and I’m a liberal.
Timur – My name is Timur and I’m a Stalinist.
Teacher – Timur, why are you a Stalinist?
Timur – Well, my dad is a Stalinist, my mom is a Stalinist, and most of my friends are Stalinists, so I am a Stalinist too.
Teacher – You can not just blindly follow your environment! If your dad was an alcoholic, your mom was a prostitute, and most of your friends were junkies, who would you be?
Timur – A liberal, probably.
(also works with Democrats and Republicans in US)
8. Russian dudes talking:
Russian #1 – Check this out – we are the hockey champions, our science is making breakthrough after breakthrough, our space program is in the lead again! What were you saying about Americans? We are #1!
Russian #2 = [sigh] Have you been watching old Soviet newsreels again?
9. Why does Putin have so many bodyguards?
– They are scared of being alone with him.
10. Putin congratulated his former colleagues with the Day of Intelligence Service Worker.
<4794 7234, – says his message , – 784792347324, 084465685, 64 9344, 023948044>.