by Ramin Mazaheri for the Saker Blog

(and for those, shall we say, cognitively challenged the following is a satire; the Saker)

As a daily journalist covering a wide range of fields, I get a lot of unsolicited emails which give me news tips, unique outlooks and recommendations.

This email below came with so many threats and oaths against my person that I almost didn’t publish it, but I think some of what was written regarding the Russophobia campaign across the West makes sense.

However, anyone familiar with me or my work knows I don’t condone terrorism or bigotry of any manner.

I absolutely will not be following this reader’s advice, but I encourage you to read his thoughts, nonetheless.


Dear Mr. Mazaheri,

Seeing as how you work for the Iranian government, I have no doubt that you fully support Islamic terrorism. That is why I have come to you with my problem:

America’s Russophobia campaign has shunted aside hysterical fear-mongering over Islamic terrorism for entirely too long. As a hard-working Islamic terrorist, let me be clear: I am not amused.

The Russophobia campaign was funny at first. It was clearly a slapped-together lie to rationalise the election victory of Trump, rather than discussing the morally-bankrupt Democratic Party. Certainly, it was amusing to watch Rachel Maddow’s nightly attempt to hypnotise American fake-leftists in to believing that Russia was the sole reason for Hillary’s loss.

As a card-carrying Islamic terrorist, I was sincerely quite sad to see Hillary lose – she’s been so good to us. I’m ideologically opposed to supporting women in power but – in my country – if you wear a suit every day…you must be a man, right?

Anyway, we Islamic terrorists would sit around our Syrian campfire at night and, rather than actually read the Koran (boring!), we would gamble big bucks about when US public opinion would finally force the end of Russophobia narrative in order to get back to good old Islamic terrorism.

I actually lost a lot of my US Petrodollar-funded salary because I failed to remember that Americans are idolaters: their idol is television, and they believe whatever it says as if it was divine revelation.

One night, quite drunk, one of my Islamic terrorist friends made a good point: “This will last until the US mid-term elections so the Democrats don’t have to address their failures at all. They’re going to use Russophobia to regain parliamentary control.”

After I had sobered up the next day I realised: That’s a good point.

But then it hit me – what if the Democrats don’t win their parliamentary elections in 2018 – Russophobia is going to go on until 2020?!

Well, such a long-term marginalization of Islamic terrorism I cannot abide! Don’t they realize my high salary depends on our popularity?

Ok, fine, I admit it: Syria has proved that I am not more dangerous than a Russian. We never thought they’d actually get involved…and they kicked our butts.

However, as you are an Iranian journalist, you are therefore also an apologist for Islamic terrorism. That’s why I am emailing you to give you some good propaganda tips on how we Islamic terrorist comrades can get Islamic terrorism back at the top of the newscast. Trump seems totally disinclined to orchestrate another 9/11 – at least not until 2020 presidential polling gets serious – so we have no choice but soft power.

Please begin promoting the follow points:

1) Does the American media not realize that 20% of Israelis are Russian? This Russophobia can negatively impact them, and as an Islamic terrorist in 2018 I obviously refuse to support any movement which threatens Zionism.

I think what is also needed is a reminder of the many advantages of fear-mongering against Muslims as opposed to Russians:

2) Russophobia can bring no imperialist benefits to the average American. Think of all the things the average American has gained from the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan? Of course, the list is too long to mention here.

Russia, however, is not going to be invaded and we all know it. All the US can do is destabilise their neighbors, like Ukraine or North Korea. So, from an economic point of view: Russophobia over Islamic terrorism makes no economic sense! Why do Americans not vote their interests anymore?

3) The Russophobia campaign is only focused on Putin…but imagine if Putin dies of natural causes tomorrow? For certain, this Russophobia campaign would fall apart! Americans can’t find Russia on a map – do you think they can name Russia’s previous president? America needs – nay, deserves – a phobia which is broadly grassroots-based for a hateful relationship that is reliable and lasting.

And the US has already spent so many years building a hate-based relationship with Islam! How can we throw out the window all those bad times we spent together? Don’t leave me, baby! We can still make this thing not work, just like it used to – I promise!

And this leads to my next point:

4) Russians look too much like White people – you can’t pick them out in a crowd. A Muslim, conversely, ranges from Black to pale brunette to even redhead – you can easily justify stopping a Mexican or following an African-American around your store by citing “Islamic terrorism”. Certainly, a woman wearing any sort of hat deserves to be viciously eye-balled thanks to the security necessities easily provided by Islamophobia.

Furthermore, we all agree: this Russophobia campaign hasn’t produced the goods after all this time, so it’s just plain boring now. I almost feel bad for Americans…but what are they going to do – turn off the TV?

Islamophobia over Russophobia makes long-term economic and cultural sense – you should be doing more to make it happen, Mr. Mazaheri.

Of course, Mr. Mazaheri, you are obviously a shameful excuse for a Muslim, and you and your family belong to a sinful sect of apostates who are all consigned to the eternal damnation and will be forever boiled in sheep excrement – but I kindly thank you in advance for all your help on this matter.



US military base, Al-Tanf Syria

Ramin Mazaheri is the chief correspondent in Paris for PressTV and has lived in France since 2009. He has been a daily newspaper reporter in the US, and has reported from Iran, Cuba, Egypt, Tunisia, South Korea and elsewhere. His work has appeared in various journals, magazines and websites, as well as on radio and television. He can be reached on Facebook.

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